Sunday, 13th July '03
A Pot of Piss
I don't care if anyone finds title offensive. It's what I feel like currently. Ok, I do care, if any of my pals from the 21st / 401 and otherwise feel worried for me or wonder when I started to blatently write in a language that I don't normally use. Just that "A Pot Of Excretory Matter" doesn't ever give the same kick.
This is a journal entry with a twist. I have more or less given up trying to be tactful. It isn't quite working and there is a HELL lot of things we need to sort out.
Honestly when we were done with our piece yesterday I was _very_ happy. We had a working piece that was, even by Serena's standards, pretty good. No major meltdowns, and only one little scuffle during that part when we were first trying out the "reaching" bit. But other than that we had an examplary day with focus, respect for each other and a general atmosphere of working together for a common purpose. And I thought it marked a new beginning.
And while it sure didn't start of on a positive note, I had a lot of faith that all the TFYE-ers would be mature enough to understand that to work in a group, sacrifices would have to be made. And it wasn't that I or anyone of the four of us who proposed the "House Rules" didn't think we all were Neanderthals incapable of basic human courtesy. It's just that sometimes we all get carried away and forget these little things that could make working with each other so much more pleasant. Neither was it because we wanted to pull a "Pigs of Animal Farm" thing and impose our will on anyone. I would have been honestly happy if someone else had come up with them. Or if we never had to have them written out in the first place.
So then what? One sends an email saying he wants to quit and asking if anyone else has considered it. He says that "some peeps are trying to lead". I don't know if the quitting bit is emotional blackmail and I'd love to think better of him. What I don't appreciate is the poison pen lettering. If you have a problem with me, you damn well come and tell me to my face. I'm an adult, a mature, thinking, reasoning person and if you have anything better than the IQ of a foetus you can see it. And I believe you are too. No, I - nor anyone else - do not want to lord it over you or people we consider teamates. If you would contribute we wouldn't have to. You're an idiot if you think any of this is fun.
And there's another one. I may not believe you are a mature, thinking, reasoning person. Not yet. But you want to be a theatre person and you can be. Just, to use a word you're fond of, "fucking" grow up. Don't throw narcissistic hissy fits, don't think you're the biggest victim around. Don't even think your feelings will continue to matter to all of us if this goes on. They do now, but very soon I will begin to think you can just sod off. And if you want to be a part of everything so much, then work even when you have no personal interest in it.What gives you any right to slack while the rest of us work? You earn appreciation, it isn't a right. What gives me any right to tell you this? Nothing, really, but the fact that this is my site and I'll say what I think.
Do I look down on the both you right now? Yes, I do. Too bad for all of us. You don't have to listen or care what I think, it's your choice.
I hate writing things that aren't specific to a person. The "some people" insinuations are cowardly and do no good whatsoever. I want to get it out in the open, but I worry that the people won't have the maturity to take it. Yes, I have the basic human need for acceptance as much as you do and I'm not strong enough to be completely unaffected if you decide to hate me. It will sting for a while at least. But I will not mess up the atmosphere before the showing. It's not responsible, and we can't afford it. So for now I will sit here and suck it. Hopefully I will never have to have a "batch forum" (21st, you know what I mean) with these people, and I pray they'll sort themselves out soon. Bloody Hell, I should sort myself out soon. Figure out why I am willing to sacrifice for a stupid little showing when the rest find things like parties of a higher priority. I swear if Serena doesn't come for the Full Dress on Friday I'm just going for my sign language class. I refuse to waste my time and money just waiting for some selfish, can't-be-bothered-to-be-puntual people.
To the rest, I have nothing for now. Just consider your priorities. You signed that contract with a full understanding that the whole affair was going to be more than just an every Saturday class. You were warned of additional rehearsals during peak times. TFYE doesn't have to be the biggest thing in your life, and I am not a big enough person to put it first in my life either. But come on, you do matter, your absence, apathy, lack of attention - whatever - it is felt. I wanted so much to be proud of the TFYE. Like Ave said, she used to live for our sessions. I even considered that even if I had gotten a scholarship I might not have taken it up to stay with the TFYE. Of course HP saying that she would "hoot" me had it's effect too. Heh. But the point is, can we get ourselves together before M1? I am not riding the moral high horse. I hope I'm not, anyway. But I want to be as proud of us as I am proud of my 21st / Class etc. Those of you who were at my second audition might remember what I spoke about when we had two minutes to talk about something that was important to us.
I feel bad for writing like this, I feel like the proverbial pot of piss. It goes with rehearsals that are honestly, shit. I have a bad taste in my mouth and I want it out. I feel like humans are stupid and that there are TFYE-ers that epitomise it. Will I be upset of anyone tries to slap me or says anything mean? Sure. But I don't feel I need to apologize, you have earned it well and truly.
I will now save up this entry for after the showing. We can't afford a meltdown now.
[well, the pictures aren't going to take themselves!]