Wednesday, 25th August '04

Dengue Fever, Meningitis, Brain Tumours. What Else You Got For Me?

I don't care if this sounds cryptic / mysterious / angry / depressed / spoilt / uncaring / whiny. And I'm going to just be incoherent and rambly and ranty because I think that's my most natural state right now.

To begin with, I'm helplessly annoyed with the creaking machinery that is my body. How is it possible to be consuming such vast amounts of paracetamol (Panadol to you non-medicine-students / folks without medically inclined parents), and yet have a bloody fever that resurges everytime the medicine wears off? I can't even say I'm truely truely ill because once I slam in the pills everything is alright for about hour-long stretches at a time. I'll be stiff and cranky, but I'll have no throat or nose problems. Even the fever will go down to normal body temperature, but IT WILL ALWAYS COME BACK. Along with a headache that orbits my head and spins me right round (baby, right round, for you Billy Idol fans). It'll pound along with metronom-ic consistency, either along to the rhythm of my heartbeat or the music I'm listening to, until the next time two little white round tablets find their way down my oesophagus.

And because the fever's pretty high and not going away, Dad had to take my blood today. Results: heightened WBC count (well, whaddaya know?) and most likely viral fever. Which means there's nothing for it but to wait for the blasted things to just spontaneously die. Dad thinks I might even have a wierd kind of dengue (which, according to Uncle James my family doc, has been emerging in quite a lot of atypical variants, lately). Mum was even better - she suspected meningitis, and freaked Uncle James out by telling him about the headaches (true enough) and my stiff neck. But hey, EVERYTHING is stiff, and I'm not sure if it's the illness or the Sunday's mad rehearsals that caused it. I'm just going to throw in the possibility of a brain tumour, while I'm at it. Just to get myself mentally prepared.

And the mess this prolonged absence from society is creating! I haven't a clue where the Property and Company lectures are at now, and I have a tutorial due tomorrow for which I'm supposed to present an answer to a question. Now how am I supposed to do that if I'm not there? I'm also supposed to submit my statute orders, which Siyuan has been kind enough to let me do tomorrow - but again, how to if I'm not even going to be there tomorrow?? Add that to the fact that I'm feeling like crap for not going for the Jeffrey's-item rehearsal on tuesday, and for not being able to help out with the DE auditions today like I promised I would. And guess what? Most likely I won't be able to help out tomorrow EITHER. And Mel has just messaged to say that they really do need the manpower tomorrow. YARGH.

And somewhere at the back of my mind I know all these concerns are so bloody insignificant compared to the bigger things in the world.

Speaking of which, I haven't go the deal with the obession over the National Day Rally Speech. No offence to anyone who loved it or tacked it up to their bedroom walls, but a quick perusal of the highlights didn't seem to suggest it was any different from any other year's speech. No doubt it was something to watch out for, there being a new PM and all, and if for now we assume that it IS important to be in the loop of current affairs, but really, what did it say that set it so far apart from any of then PM Goh's speeches in the past? And really, why would anyone want to spend a perfectly happy Sunday night watching something like that when one could just download the full text and go through it in half the time the next day - a Monday, by the way, a day much better suited to doing dreary stuff like that.

And remember I mentioned earlier on that it would only be assumed that it is important to know one's current affairs? I might as well say it here and now and get it off my chest - I hate current affairs, I hate newspapers, and I hate things that require me to think about progress and the fact that I'm part of the generation (and the so-called intellectual elite) that is supposed to carry our country into the glorious future. Yes, I think I'm decently patriotic, but I'm apathetic and nothing I can say to deny it will change that. Funnily enough, though surrounded by people who are either bonded to the governement / statutory boards or have great plans for their future in some way or another, I've managed to stay the chthonic little miscreant that I am. Like the chthonic people, I've got no concept of time as a linear entity (oh, help, here comes all my comparative legal studies waffle again). I like things the way they are, I don't really care much for new-fangled inventions or new ways of doing things... I'm more concerned with maintaining my happiness in the here and now. And as for being the next generation of leaders... since there are so many people who'd love to do it, why not let them? I can just sit back and take it easy. Do what I like.

Now you know why I'm not ever likely to be scholarship material. The ONLY problem I see is that I'm not going to be likely to make enough money to sustain the doing of what I like.

We now take a short break for me to advertise the latest song I've gotten hooked onto. It'll be featured in next week's episode of the O.C. and it's called "Love of the Loveless" by the Eels. It's just so soothing and deadpan funny.

Right. I've just checked my email and been flooded with a whole bunch of incensed sounding mails between various individuals, one of whom is a friend of mine, and another one being someone who I don't personally know, but happens to be on the mailing list somehow. So no prizes for guessing who's side I'm on. What I can never accept about some people is how they have no appreciation for the efforts of others. It's something that's been bugging me since earlier this year - strangely enough at crucial points of every production I've been in. Why can't some people just see beyond themselves and their own conveniences for a minute and consider the effort that some others have put in. Why can't they just think for just one second before writing something hurtful in a blog / email, something insulting or something just plain rude - with no purpose of being constructive at all? Everytime I hear people bitching and complaining about how something isn't the way they like it, it's always because they were subject to some minor inconvenience in comparison to a major difficulty someone else would have to suffer to take that little inconvenience off their hands.

And finally I'd like to talk about death. Not in a funny Terry Pratchett way, but real death as it is in the real world. I don't think one ever knows what's it's like to be exposed to death until it happens to oneself. Personally I've been confronted by too many deaths of late. And each time it happens I don't know what to do, and I don't understand how I feel in relation to it. Why did I cry so much over Rio when he's just a dog, and why do I not think that I would feel half as upset if my grandfather left us? Why do I know how it is to experience a loss, but have nothing left to say when my friend tells me about hers? How is it that I want to help and yet feel so helpless. "Secrets" was theraputic in its own sense, and it (quite timely too) taught me to explore and handle the theme within me. But I'm still not good at it.

That's it, i guess. Thanks for reading this far.

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
...
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

-- Damien Rice, "Cannonball"



en ying snapped a shot of life @ 11:53 pm
[2 photographs developed.]


2 photographs developed.

Aud:

Get better soon!

limz:

take care babe and get well soon ok?? i had that fever before in sydney..drink lots of water and pee a lot..gets rid of the heat.. *big hug* hehe





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