Sunday, 5th December '04
So What So I've Got A Smile On? It's Hiding The Quite Superstitions In My Head.
"Don't believe me, when I say I've got it down."
Been feeling sort of off-colour lately. Ok, maybe it's closer to downright miserable, at times. Late at night when I'm lying around ordering myself to go to sleep and stop thinking miserable-ish thoughts, to be precise. By the way, I don't need a bunch of consoling SMSes and MSN messages. I'd love my friends with or withourt them. It's come to a point I figure that everyone has their own miserable-s to take care off, and I can't always help them either.
So I was thinking maybe if I list a bunch of worries and broadcast them around it might help. Oh fat hope, but we've all got narcisistic needs to make everyone around us worry about us, right? For a while I'm a little tired of worrying about other people.
Disjointed paragraphs follow:
Money IS the root of all evil. I need more, my family needs more. My friends don't have enough, and it's all anyone talks about these days. How does it happen that when one parent's job gets insecure, the other one will too? And at the same time that the grandparents medical bills start to rise, the extended family runs off to other countries / simply are assholes who won't pay / have bad businesses? All, might I add, simultaneously with the need to get a new house for the grandparents, fund this writer's exchange opportunity if that ever happens, and just keep it all together in general? And right at this point where I save a huge amount on intellectual property via Ares, the local Parliament is going to bring it to a grinding screechy halt with their anti-piracy bill.
It's lonely around here these days, and increasingly I'm subconsciously always looking out for him when I get home or when I go to the kitchen for water at night. I know he's not there to trip me up anymore, or to greet me for that matter, and while I'm looking I'm still concious of that. I know other people who have lost other loved ones and it's always ridiculous to want to talk to anyone about a dog you miss. Those who offer to listen don't understand it anyway - it's not like I don't appreciate it, but yeah, you know. It sucks to still dream about him and wake up feeling like a big part of you has gone. Yesterday I had to write to the director of the AVA (some PPD branch, I think) to inform him that we won't be renewing the licence. That blew.
And really, guys (not just smubs, but people in general), I know you care, but it isn't helping to have people ask time and time again "oh, what's going on in your love life?" or "how many guys have you rejected?". I do appreciate the gesture and I know no one means any harm. However, I don't think my self-esteem gains much from the number of times I repeat that nothing is happening (or is likely to happen soon) and that no one is interested (or is likely to be interested soon). I just don't attract any attention in that way (or am likely to attract any soon). Yes, so I'm a bit bitter, especially when some girls are quickly working their way down the list of available guys in the world and leaving the rest of us with, well, nothing much. Listening to other friends fret about things like their "stupid boyfriends" who don't drive them where they want to go, or how their "stupid boyfriends" didn't hold open the door for them... good golly, be thankful as it is, already, alright?
And if you think I'm a superficial moron for worrying abt not being loved and wanting money and a pet that i obviously can't have, you're right, you know? It's part of what upsets me... all this thinking about useless things and getting all depressed about them. Whee, I'm depressed about being depressed.
But there are more, if you'd like to know. Friends are an issue I thought I had all settled. Maybe I didn't. I don't care for a whole crapload of superificial hi-bye accquaintances and the past couple of years I've just kept my sights on the people whom I've known and loved for a while. I mean, now that they're all far away and I see them once a year, maybe, it takes more effort to be in each other's lives and there's always only so much I can do. So I've kind of not bothered to try much, say, making friends in school or anything. Still it somehow seems rather pathetic that I can barely find someone to watch a movie with or to bum with anymore, simply because everyone who I'd want to do that with and who'd want to do that with me is somewhere at the other end of the globe. I know Kai asked me last monday why I wasn't out with any Law folks. It was a bit awkward to tell her that I don't have Law friends. No one will ask me to do anything, or go anywhere and I should be fine with that because heck, I had an amazing time with the Smubs in Singapore. But, oh yeah, it did anyway. It just gnawed away at that little childish need to fit in and have it affirmed that people like me... and yes, it's dumb again, but just screw it because it does bother me.
On the reverse side of that, I'm getting more anti-social by the day. Humans are beginning to seem more and more like walking chunks of meat, doing nothing but taking up space, using up oxygen and emitting too much heat and noise. Humans and their morals are also on the highway to hell. It just seems to me that even the best of friends nowadays can't bother to keep a promise like when we'd meet or even remember to. I don't aim this at anyone and I'm guilty of being late and stupid myself. But if you think about it, if you do that to me, it only makes me feel like you think my time is unimportant, and that you don't value me very much. Same as asking me to take on something, like, say, a skit for a charity event, and not bother telling me it's been cancelled until a bunch of us who were supposed to do it run around wondering what the heck is going on only to find out we've wasted our time and anticipation. I'm not angry at this event alone, or mean anything against the perpetrators. It's just the latest straw that broke this camel's back (and unleashed some grumpy blogging).
Sometimes I think I might need some therapy of some sort. And then we come back to the points above, where I have no money for it, and anyways, I will just end up feeling lousy for wallowing in self-pity (and yeah, what do you call this entry?).
So that leaves me with an either-or conclusion - by this time next year I will either turn into Eminem or a serial killer. Take your pick.
[11 photographs developed.]
helloo!! thanks for dropping by. wow i came to you page and saw the links at the right side and realized that i haven't dropped by any of the others' blogs in a million gazillion yearssss! =)
heya karen! wowee that was quick!
I'd pick Eminem personally. The option of a possible death sentence or jail term isn't much comfort. International fame sounds devilishly empowering. See you thursday!
you know, it was only until today, i realized this yagudin dude's picture on your blog had skates on. sigh.
hey babe.. i cant solve many of ur problems, and i seem to perpetuate them by being one of those that are away in aussie. Damn, i really wish i was there and i am not. As for financials, if you need help with funding your exchange thingy, you can look to taking a loan from me in the future.. i dunno how much i can contribute,, but every little bit probably helps and i'm serious about this. and i promise i wont ask any more love questions..i feel like how u feel too..
i second that - we should really talk. im free tuesday 7ish, will be at kallang. want to meet?
*Muacks* I know how u feel about human beings coz i'm antisocial as of now too. All tt about friends, i went thru it before and hopefully will be able to lend a listening ear. And $ probs??? I can relate to it EVEN more.
I wish i ain't so bz and have enough time for u as well. We may be growing further apart physically, but not emotionally. I love u loads babe!! Limin, quick brg ken (who thinks enz is one GORGEOUS babe) back to SIN!!!
i am taking my pick..u aint gonna turn into an eminem or serial killer..u are still gonna be my great smubs big sis,my great fren and part of my family..
life will never be easy.i am sure many of us have realised that by now...when we are approaching our big 21..problems arise..friends,family,money,work..u name it and u have it..but the wonder of life is not to sulk when things do not go your way,its the ability to always believe that there will be a brighter day ahead..a day when you will find urself growing stronger..becoming a person whom u are proud to be.your own self,your own personality..who cares wad others think?as long as u feel good abt urself..yes,u may stumble along the way..but the many ppl/friends u meet along this stumbling path would make it much more interesting..and i assure u...i will tumble with u when u fall..cos i wanna be there to help u up again and experience this climb together..no fun doing it alone rite? so now...give dage a smile and be happy!take care always..
check your gmail!!!
*bounce bounce* ^^
hey cool..i like your new background more!!its really nice!
niiiiiiiice. en. this is NIIIIICE ^^
i like it much better ^^ it's real cool ^^