Friday, 14th January '05
I hate the life altering prospect of emails. I got two in the past couple of days.
First email was all good. I was so happy it had me singing the whole damn day. A ridiculous song like YMCA by the Village People, no less.
The second started out harmless enough. The middle of it numbed me, and I think by the end of it I was convinced that I was going to wind up shedding tears and feeling stupid and desperate about the same stupid situation that got me into quite a bit of trouble about three years ago. Three bloody years, you'd think someone as stable and capable as I like to think I am would have had that all resolved quickly and painlessly. For as good as I am about saying stuff to other people and knowing what the hell is going on my head, I haven't a clue as to how to handle things that upset my heart this much.
It sucks, really, because just a day ago that first email had convinced me I was going to be in a state of boundless euphoria for the next year or so. Argh, in fact a bloody MSN conversation a couple of months back had me in a similar state of high feeling.
Now it's just high drama, and you could probably write more episodes to my never-ending personal soap opera about all this.
The Backstreet Boys have this one song I used to find ridiculously boring. And it played right after I finished reading the second email. The rather soppy sadness of the song plus the email was just too much - let's have some sample lines:
"What can I do to make you mine
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
Everything's changed, you never knew
How did I fall in love with you?"
Love songs don't ever make me cry, you know. Most times I think they're just written by people who can't get their acts together, but today I was feeling exceedingly generous to anyone in any degree of misery.
So here I am thinking that this time I actually had a choice, and despite my general unscrupulousness relating to these matters, I actually thought I should hold back and be a good person for once. Do everything in a guilt-free way, that way once I got it settled, it would be settled PROPERLY.
Well guess what, I fucked it up again. Or maybe it just fucked itself up, I can't see that I did anything wrong.
I never use the word "fuck" of my own accord, you know. Most times I think it's a word that people with poor vocabularies use when they simply can't find a way to describe their emotions to the degree they want. Today, I guess, it seems about right to suggest the intensity of the thoughts running though my head.
The bottomline is, the second email was perilously close to inciting me to go out and kill and torture something to satisfy the frustration that it caused to well up in me. I was, hell, I AM, so frustrated right now it physically hurts.
So now I have a choice, either I sacrifice every shred of dignity and DO SOMETHING about this current state of rage, or I sit here and blog and go back to pumelling my sorry little pillow, which I know has done nothing more than offer to accompany through the long, sleepless night I know there is to come.
I don't angry blog in this way much, and frankly I'm not sure I know who I'm angry at. The emailer? Me? The Subject of the email? The social norms which prevent me from fixing this mess? WHAT?
This isn't even part of the general quarterlifecrisis; it's much more specific than that.
I know if you've read this far, you care, but I'm really not in a mood to talk about it all right now. So unless you're a Smub girl or Qionghui, I love you very much, but don't ask me what's wrong right now. Tzo, I'd love to talk to you, but I'm not feeling rational enough. Qiong, please don't call me, I'll talk to you online... don't want you to waste money and I'm not good with phones.
And in anycase, I've blown off a good load of narcissistic steam and at least to the outside world, I'm going to be ok again in about ten minutes.
Thank God for half decent acting skills.
[9 photographs developed.]
love is a weird game in this modern world..
i'm beginning to understand less and less of it. oh well
*hangs a hug on your doorknob labelled "For emergencies"*
i don't even have to call you, i know what u're going through. can understand the pain and frustration of sth that totally happened without u planned it, and is totally unexpected. i know what you mean. i hear you.... keep safe
thanks, everyone... i've made a few well timed decisions, i think, and i feel pretty good right now. perhaps in a twisted, evil sort of way (tzo and lucas would know, i think), hehh.
someone is in for some major-ass trouble. muahaha.
bec, that hug has been used already hee
take care dear... will keep you in prayer...
I don't leave tags often, but if you need to rant, u've got my email! Not worth the tears..AND in any case, no matter how twisted things get? no matter how ur world has turn UPside Down, Inside Out, you still have the rest of us! Love your smilies!
hahaha tellme abotu ur decisions babe miss u heaps and always here for you...
I'll see u on fri. Till then, keep well. I love ya babe.