Saturday, 24th June '06
Whoo. I love being back in Singapore with my horror movie buds Kai and Andre, but Silent Hill was really way too much. I think I'm going to download all these movies from now on. It wasn't remotely frightening, the plot was daft and for the better part it was downright cheesy.
Some key scenes:
1. Woman insists on bringing sonambulistic Daughter who screams "SILENT HILL! SILENT HILL!" everytime she sleepwalks to abandoned (beacause of coal fire outbreak and fires still burning underground) ghost town called (you guessed it!) Silent Hill. Against the better judgment of her Sean Bean (!!) played husband. And against all semblance of logic and reason, if you ask me. Along the way discovers Daughter has been drawing pictures of burning firey demonic things.
2. Along the way she finds out from people at a gas station that the road to Silent Hill is blocked off and "don't go through no more". No matter, she decides to crash the gates blocking the road. The jeep she drives is miraculously unscathed.
3. Random Policewoman in impossibly tight uniform and gorgeous leather pants (ok, she was hot) follows Woman and Daughter.
4. Woman arrives in Silent Hill but crashes jeep (how convenient), KO's and later wakes to find that Daughter has gone a-walking again. Woman gets very agitated. Ash starts falling like snow from the sky. Woman searches town for Daughter. Sometimes sees a Daughter-like Figure scampering around on streets in front of her. She yells Daughter's name and Figure runs faster. She runs after Figure. Generic Figure chasing through the streets ensues.
5. Along the way Woman runs into several horrors. Such as...
6. Dissolving walls.
7. Creepy baby-like creatures that look vaguely humanoid but have the skin texture of charcoal embers. They wail, walk and claw. Hereinafter known as "Charcoal Babies". After a moment of being assaulted by Charcoal Babies and screaming to great effect, Charcoal Babies start to evaporate. Like their ashy bits start to fly away. Woman is so traumatised she faints. She wakes the next morning to the opening strains of (DOO-doo-doo-doo-doo-DOO-doo-DOOOO!!) Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire". What a way to carry on the fire theme. Can anyone say "cheesy"? As Cash's drawling baritone drones on, the Chinese subtitles start to make sure that everyone in the cinema understands that love is a burning flame, and it makes a firey ring, and that Johnny-Boy fell into a burning ring of fire and as he went down down down, the flames went higher, and it burns burns burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire... I am unable to restrain self from singing along, and then fight a losing battle against an uncontrollable urge to giggle.
8. Witchy Woman with impressive dreadlocks, who tells Woman that unidentified They hurt her daughter. Both ladies discover that their respective daughters are the splitting image of one another. Skirmish ensues. Woman runs away.
9. Policewoman, who helpfully handcuffs Woman. Despite obvious creepy, supernatural nature of town.
10. Pulsating sack on two skinny knock-kneed legs, shambling down the streets. Sack is also vaguely humanoid in shape, but not much else. Pulsating sack is blasted to bits upon a few well-placed bullets from Policewoman's oversized pistol. Pulsating sack spews bloody bits that dissolve everything they touch. While Policewoman is thus engaged, still handcuffed Woman runs away from the only non-creepy companion she has.
11. (At a school bathroom which Woman is lured to by little Daughter-like Figure), a strung up cadaver on barbed wire sitting on a latrine. Cadaver has "Dare you, Dare you, Double dare you!" scrawled on wall behind it.
12. (As a siren sounds and toilet walls start to dissolve), various ugly humanoid creatures. Most notably, a couple of huge man-shaped things with veiny, slimey skin and their legs tied behind their head with barbed wire. Like in a Hieronymous Bosch painting, if anyone's read Conelly's Bosch books. They creep along on their bellies howling and in general, looking menacing. Also, large gladiator-type giant with no visible head, but huge metal pyramidal looking helmet. Carries a big fucking knife (I mean the knife is bigger than the protaganist), which it proceeds to plunge enthusiatically into a door which Woman, now joined by heroic Policewoman are cowering behind. In the process, creates big fucking hole through which countless ugly cockroachish creepy-crawlies pour. Creepy-Crawlies surround the ladies until they start to evaporate again.
13. Large gathering of church-y Puritans, led by some sort of starchy looking Priestess. Tells Woman to find Daughter, she must face the Demon. Takes Woman to the Demon's lair - the Hospital. But not before Puritan Henchmen don spacesuits that look like they came from the movie "Outbreak". For some inexplicable reason, they need protective gear to face a Demon (it's not a virus, dude). Priestess seems to think ugly spacesuits will throw off her groove, and doesn't bother with them. Tells Woman that Demon hides in ward B151. Just before sending Woman to Demon's lair in an elevator shaft, Priestess has a change of heart, and tries to have both our heros captured. Policewoman saves Woman and sends her into Demon lair while fending off Henchmen herself.
14. Shambling zombie Nurses in cleavage-bearing nurse uniforms. Think a cross between Elle Driver in Kill Bill 1 and nurse suits you find in kinky sex shops. They are drawn to the flashlight that Woman carries and do a spastic, jerky shuffle towards her. She turns off light, and they stop. She turns it on, the shuffle continues. Shuffle is so awkward it would have made Michael Jackson and the cast of Thriller look like ballerinas. Woman decides that if she turns of the light she can ease through Slutty Zombie Nurses. This is followed by a few tense moments where she holds her breath and tries to wiggle her way between SZNs. I am forcefully reminded of B-grade Chinese 僵尸; movies from the late 1980s. You know, the ones in which the white-faced bouncing dude with the peacock feather in his hat can't find you if you hold your breath.
15. Woman makes it to Demon's lair. Turns out Demon is the essence (or the personified hatred) of a little girl burnt at the stake by the Puritans 30 years ago. Something about the good part of little girl being sent away as Daughter such that she was later adopted by Woman. Story is all a little bit iffy and makes very little sense. Barely anything explains the emergence of all those humanoid uglies. Along the way a pretty nurse factors into the story and Andre is smitten. Later on pretty nurse is revealed to have had her face sliced such that she now bears great resemblence to a Chucky Doll. Andre is disappointed.
16. Woman helps Demon get her revenge. Which includes Demonic kid with the face of her Daughter fusing with the body of the Woman and a dramatic rising of a hospital bed carrying grown-up burnt girl through the church floor. If none of this is making sense here, don't worry. It didn't in the theatre either. Hospital bed shoots out a mother-lot of barbed wire tendrils which snare various Puritans and tear them apart in large, bloody massacre. Think Xiaolongnu's (Condor Heroes) uglier cousin. Tendrils decide to make a particular show of Priestess, twining around all four limbs and lifting her, spreadeagled, into the air. Then, a collection of about 4-5 tendrils shoot up her skirt and presumably popped her juicy cherry because bloody sprays everywhere. Massacre continues in similarly gruesome fashion but it's more boring than horrifying.
17. Woman and Daughter are left alone by tendrils and go home the next day. They walk into house and stare at sleeping Husband but he wakes up and they're not there. And on that incomprehensible note the movie ends.
No more paying $9.50 for horror movies ever again.
[2 photographs developed.]
for a movie that u thought wasnt worth it..u sure had a lot to say about it!
well i had to do SOMETHING to make the money seems spent for a reason. consider it payment for a decent blog post.
your big game in less than 2 hrs, babs. you better hope your italia doesn't do anything stupid this time *evil snigger*