Sunday, 26th August '07

Chicken Soup for the Entourage Viewer's Soul

Things I learnt from Entourage, or more specifically, Ari Gold.

This entry was inspired by the recent discovery that Shuang and Jongsy have fallen hard for the same uncouth, yet unfailingly witty Ari Gold (played by Jeremy Piven), and think Sloan (Emanuelle Chiquiri) is the most gorgeous female alive.

I know this entry (by nature of its contents), is going to cause me to suffer about a million undesirable, pornographic spam comments. But what the heck. This is a somewhat unorthodox show - a male Sex and the City, as it were - but one thing that I've recently discovered, is that there are a myriad of tiny little life lessons hidden in the dialogue. Frankly, I do truly believe these comments are the truth about life, and I've even found myself jotting a couple down in my diary to ponder at a later date. If you think about the quotes, you could make a rather meaningful self-help book of it.

It's both a pity they're obscured in such horrible language, and yet it's great they they managed to humanise some abstract ideas in humorous examples.

On to THE LESSONS
(All quotes from Ari Gold unless otherwise indicated.)


Life in General

All you need to know about current affairs these days.
"We're at code red every time the President has a loose stool."

That no one really has it all.
"The point is that he is an insecure fuck. Like all beautiful, been-handed-everything-on-a-silver-platter people."

You can't be perfect, so don't beat yourself up about it.
"Lloyd: Ari, swear to me you will never say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation.
Ari: I can't swear to that, but I promise I will always apologize after."

Always have all your facts straight before committing to anything.
"Lunch is on me - provided that, Joyce, you still have your stomach stapled."

Be decisive.
"Youíve been bangin' every girl west of Sapova the past six months. Just pick the one skank thatís gonna photograph well and be done with it."

Be grateful for small mercies.
"I parted the Red Sea for you. Don't piss on the sand."

Never let a drunk male friend use your newly renovated bathroom.
You know what happens when guys get drunk. They piss and they miss. -- Johnny "Drama" Chase


Work

Why you really shouldn't complain about your job when, hey, you chose to do it...
"Eric: Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C'mon, the guy's not even Hispanic.
Ari Gold: Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That's what actors do. They pretend."

... and the importance, in any job, of paying your dues and waiting for your turn to shine.
"Eric: All right, I got it. So what if Cruise passes?
Ari: Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list.
Eric: Where is Vince on that list?
Ari: He ain't on the list.
Eric: Well, how do we get him on the list?
Ari: You do 'Aquaman', you stupid fuck."

The importance of creative thinking.
"Ari: From now on, ask my permission before you bang one of my assistants.
Eric: How'd you know that?
Ari: 'Cause I know all. And I could have told you that this would end badly. Now I gotta to fire her so you don't feel weird.
Eric: No. Don't fire her.
Ari: Alright. Well, I'll just sexually harass her until she quits."

It can be lonely at the top.
"Everyone wants to kill the king. But the prince, he just sails along telling all the ladies, 'One day I'm gonna be king.'" -- Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier)

How to strategically plan.
"We get them wet with Vince and I guarantee they will fuck us. We blow our load with Bob and we may not even get our balls tickled."

Every task should be tackled with the utmost conviction.
"Knock off the hippie shit, strap on a helmet, and start shooting. This is Malibu, Emily. I want you to storm that beach like it's fucking Normandy."

Double-check your sources of information
"Where did you hear that, Friendster?"

Make hay while the sun shines.
[When Eric hesitates after being offered a threesome by his girlfriend and her best friend] "When opportunity knocks, let her the fuck in. And for God's sake, let her go down on your girlfriend." -- Johnny "Drama" Chase

In the end, results DO count.
"In this life there are no asterisks. Only score boards. And ours is currently reading 'FUCKED'."

In real life, no one likes his job. Stop trying to like yours.
"I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with and just so we're clear, I don't care about any of them. They're all just a number like wife #1 and therapist #7. Good day."

And yes, all bosses are evil.
"Itīs called aging, Terrance. Not everyone can stay young by sucking the blood of their employees."


Friends and Relationships

Why a girl shouldn't ask be whiny and ask too much of her man's time, and why she shouldn't complain that he works too much.
"You can have [my time] if you want to live in Agora fucking hills, and go to group therapy. But if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking Wednesday."

How to tell it like it is.
"Tell Drama he's on the top of my list of things to do today, along with inserting needles in my cock."

The truth about human nature.
"It's like high school. You can't fuck the prom queen until she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers."
-- Note: this is about the crudest way to put it, but I found myself jumping up and down in perfect empathy with the idea behind this one.

The importance of appreciating what you have.
"Nobody appreciates their girlfriend. Until they get herpes from the next broad." -- Johnny "Drama" Chase (Kevin Dillion)

No one likes a wise-ass.
"How to answer a question without a question. Basic Humanity 101."

Never write anyone off. You will need him someday.
"Lloyd, go home and grab your best dress and please know that your love for cock is finally going to be an asset to this company."

Why you always need friends of your own age.
"You guys ever hear of a hanging chad? [A bunch of high schoolers stare blankly] ... where the fuck am I?"

If all else fails, you'll feel better after you let of some steam.
"You self-righteous, black-balling, cunt bag, bitch, motherfucker, asshole, fuck face."



en ying snapped a shot of life @ 12:57 am
[2 photographs developed.]


2 photographs developed.

limz:

my goodness. my eyes are red reading so many f words. and did you like rewatch everything and write it all down or did u download the scripts or something? i can so tell that u love this show...

en:

nah, i don't love it, but i think it's pretty good. things don't have to be loveworthy to be blogworthy, they just have to be extreme. and you'll agree this is a rather extreme show.

and strangely enough it's one of those shows i feel i'm learning life lessons from.

i have an entourage quotes facebook app. hahah.





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