Monday, 15th October '07
Stop Wrenching My Guts
I've been spending the last couple of weeks with a nagging feeling of impending doom. It's been masked quite a bit by the excitement that the house renovations are finally in swing again (and the rather funny man that is the head of tiling works who has single-handedly revived my ailing Chinese speech), but it was nonetheless a feeling of impending doom.
Well, I think doom came today. In the form of a violent mood swing that I continue pray fervently has more to do with PMS and anger at the stubbornly unresolved conveyancing timeline, than the event I suspect it has to do with.
I think it's time to come to terms with the fact that the same human phenomenon that usually makes the rest of the world feel a-twitter, start swooning, and see fluffy bunnies everywhere is, TO ME, nothing but a barrel of woe. Oh, the melodrama, really. Limin says I'm more drama than she is. I blush when I realise she's right. Good grief.
Is it too much to ask for it to be just a little happy. Doesn't have to be so very VERY happy, you know. No need to see rainbows in every corner. Just needs to NOT BE SAD AND MISERABLE.
But it always is. Sad and miserable. Dark and twisty. Dear me, I'm my own private Meredith Grey. Even if some ways I think she had it better.
I was thinking just yesterday that I hadn't blogged in a while. Hadn't, at least, blogged in a way that was inspired. Since early this year I pretty much did only the "this is what I did over the past couple of weeks" type blogs. Not so much feeling-inspired ones like the old days. So I was just thinking I needed the inspiration. The kind that puts words - not necessarily great ones - but spontaneous words at my fingertips.
Be careful what you wish for, as they say. The inspiration is here, but maybe now that rediscovered my artistic angst, it's not really what I want anymore.
It's not my fault I don't want what wants me and I want what I can't have.
It's not my fault that tonight, I can't stop thinking about it.
[well, the pictures aren't going to take themselves!]