Friday, 19th April '13
So. It's Been a While.
There are so many thoughts rushing around my head tonight. Most of them coming from missing the creative process.
I feel like I haven't made anything from my heart in a long time. It's not to say I've not participated in making a number of awesome things - hey, Evo was not long ago. But I think as a participant (in this context I mean a dancer), you strive to realise someone else's creative ideal. And that is a worthy objective, and there is always a time and place for that, but it's not that I'm missing.
And it's not a lack of inspiration either. In fact I'm feeling rather inspired indeed. But that's a story for another day.
But you need time and effort to grow inspiration into something worth calling (or at least masquerading as) "art". I almost feel guilty for not putting in the work.
It's a bit of a desperation and not having 2 critical resources needed to realise an inspiration - time/energy and space.
I haven't even recently found the time or energy to CRITICISE other people's work. And if you know me at all, you'll know that's a serious problem. Look at it this way - I've owed Qiong a review of the Les Miserables movie since, well, Christmas last year. It would appear that even she has given up chasing me for it. This makes me a little disappointed. In me.
You know what's also scary? That when I thought to come on here and just blast out some thoughts, I:
(i) Realised that my last post here was close to 2 years ago. Sometimes I wonder when I continue to pay for the funnyfishcakes.com domain, but well, given that I've been forced into using it for my nick in the newer social media platforms (whaddaya know, quarterlifecrisis actually became a popular one!), it does sort of define me now.
(ii) Couldn't for the life of me remember what my login ID and password were for Greymatter. It took about eight tries to get it right. And luckily too, because I think I would have been locked out of my own website if I had ten failures.
(iii) Thought to myself how long it's been since I did anything about the design on this page. It's in its 7th year, if you haven't noticed. But of course you haven't noticed. I haven't written anything for real in AGES, so you haven't been coming back here anyways.
No small wonder why I haven't really created anything in a while. The last serious piece of art I think I properly invested myself in was the "Mambo" piece. Huge amount of fun, and as mixed as the reviews were, it delivered the exact message I wanted it to. And I was happy. But the process (by this I mean the sleeping at 3am from trying to come up with choreography, and waking at 5am to try and figure out blocking, and stress looming behinid the number of people I risked pissing off seriously by saying "no, I am leaving now, and if you stop me you are making 15 other people waste their time waiting for me") nearly killed me. I haven't dared to try again since.
So that takes care of why I find it difficult to take on traditional art forms.
And having a creative life on the Internet or social media platforms is even worse. I don't understand why having a professional livelihood should depend ANYTHING on what you do on social media, but it does, and that's the way the world is. I detest having to make my videos private or unlisted to protect everyone in it from whatever prying eyes lie about. And even this website has seen enough drama to be wary. In fact, that's half the reason I stopped writing. I don't write to keep what I write to myself. Fine, call it exhibitionist, but if you don't publish, you don't have an effect on anyone, and what good is that.
I am also very conscious that there are two effects of this lack of creative opportunity. The first one is generic frustration. It's gotten harder to shake in the last couple of years. I think I could excuse it in the early years, with a sort of a vague "this too shall pass" thinking. Then I realised it was becoming a way of life and that scared me shitless. The second is the YouTube obsession. It's not lost on me that there's some element of living vicariously, and with no small amount of jealousy, through these content creators who can actually be free to convey their messages and do their art unfettered. It's also very obvious to me that I spend the most time on channels run by people who are, in a way, in the position I was then when I felt forced to stop. Albeit their work is updated, richer, and bolder. But of course it is, the world moves on and I certainly haven't put in the work to keep up.
I think I've been feeling this way for a while. I'm not sure why I'm having a sudden outpouring tonight. Maybe it's a sign that I'll do something about it soon. 2013 has been a year of pretty decent achievements so far. There's been Evo, and learning to play the ukelele, and getting that darned OW cert (yay!), and there will be a big work coming to fruition thingie, and August with the Gang. And yet there is something missing and I'm pretty sure it's this.
The big question really is how to find a way to make it work. There are people who have, so it's doable, surely.
Think, think, think.
[well, the pictures aren't going to take themselves!]