Monday, 31st January '05

Live & Loud

Oww. Cranky hip is twanging again, right after I told Mel that I'm much better. Alrighty, hippity hip, I won't underestimate you ever again, you happy now?

'Tis a sad state of affairs when I start talking to my body parts.

But what I'm really here to do is to advertise once again, for a wonderful bunch of live music organisers, the doubleyellowline team.

livenloud5 (52k image)

Happens every week, so do pop down and give some support! I know I'll be there as soon as I ever manage to finish Public Law Seminar answers ahead of time. Oh alright, that means I'll be there in the holidays! hehe Oh, but if they ever get Moren Tea Estate there then the Seminar will be most gladly left undone.

Watch this space for Evocation publicity next!

en ying snapped a shot of life @ 09:47 pm
[1 photograph developed.]

Thursday, 27th January '05


I'll explain the strange exclamation by simply saying I'm making a joyful noise unto the Lord. It's as good a reason as any, I think.

So since I made up my mind on a bunch of gloriously complicated (if I knew Cantonese I'd submit a few scripts for Zhen Qing, but unfortunately I don't), amazingly depressing, but interestingly amusing and evil-ish (muahahaha) affairs, I'm feeling pretty good. Moving on is not part of my equation yet, but I think I'm back to being comfortable where I am. Funnily enough, I have "Chariots of Fire" playing on the radio now, and I think it forms a rather appropriate soundtrack to this particular line of thoughts. Before it came "Owner of a Lonely Heart" and "Tell Her About It". Mmm. plain

Speaking of "Tell Her About It", I've been watching way too many downloaded episodes of [scrubs] lately. And for some reason the one joke that stuck in my head went a little something like this:

J.D.: Come on, Dr Cox, you have to let her in! Tell her about it! Tell her everything you feel!
Dr Cox: Well, nice one there, Newbie. Should I also give her every reason to accept that I'm for real?

Hilarious, I tell you. If you don't get it... nevermind. I'm an old fart at heart who still listens to Billy Joel.

Woot. (Another joyful noise, by the way.)

And you know me by now, when I have nothing better to blog about, but I feel a rush of verbosity coming, I like to count my blessings. Simply because He deserves some mad props for everything and in any event it makes me happy:

1. This business of being Dance Ensemble President isn't as thankless a job as it seems... I'm getting the production experience I've wanted since TFYE ended and I figured I had enough of acting for a while. It's time consuming sometimes, and a major damper on my wallet since the phone bills have become quite phenomenal, but I reason it's just for a while and it's a good experience. Have also met a lot of new people recently - nice people. It's also nice to know what's going on for a bit. Hehh. I tend to be sort of blur otherwise.

2. My school subjects are all quite interesting, albeit tedious. I never thought I would come to understand a crap about politics, least of all enjoy learning about it, but Public Law is fast changing that perspective. For the first time, I feel myself beginning to care a bit about the outcome of our happy little country, and I can even feel the opinions about the government slowly budding somewhere at the back of my head. And I feel like I've found a solution to Singapore's political apathy problem - all you really need to do is teach the people what it's all about. You can't care if you don't know what to care for.

3. The prospect of going to Dalhousie is getting more exciting already! Mum and Dad are talking of coming over for Christmas, and it'll be the first holiday they've had in 5 years. And this time I'll probably be able to look after them and not the other way around. It feels nice. And it's very comforting to know Vic will be around when I get there with her Pilot G1 refills. And the random dude who swears to call me FuFu when I reach - thanks Vic. *rolls eyes*

4. Guitar skills are improving slightly (probably at the expense of my readings, but we can't have it all). Ave managed to identify No Such Thing without me telling her - very gratifying, if shocking. big grin Comfortable is coming along at a good pace. Shall start on some Steven Curtis Chapman soon, and thanks to Chris for the introduction.

5. I've learnt to cherish the value of my friends. It's nice to know that in Law I've always got Jia and Liang and Mel to josh around with, and that no matter what shit (and do I mean shit!) Smub goes through we always work out a way to stay together. It amazing to me that I still meet my Sec 4 classmates and we can still yack away and play UNO-Bridge the same way we did five years ago. When Liang and I discussed birthday invites today (21st coming up, of course), it was also great to be able to state conclusively the people that are important in my life, and to appreciate them for being just that.

6. Still love the joy of watching good TV. Heh. Not watching half as much as I used to though... gotta work!

7. Starting lawyers fees just went up! According to Uncle Sonny, the huge firms pay around $4000 for a fresh bar graduate. Sounds juicy to me. *chuckle*

8. That I'm alive, whole, healthy and able to sleep quite quickly at night.

I think 8 is a good number and now I'm totally bushwhacked. Night! hehe

en ying snapped a shot of life @ 01:38 am
[well, the pictures aren't going to take themselves!]

Sunday, 23rd January '05

Treasure This, 'Coz You'll Never See Me Admit To Listening To Westlife Ever Again

This is a rather interesting song to ponder. I think it makes a lot of sense. Got a rather catchy tune too, though all you rock fans are going to start throwing tomatos at me, I swear. crying

You Can't Lose What You Never Had
-- Westlife

Baby, you're so beautiful
And when I'm near you, I can't breathe
A girl like you gets what she wants when she wants it
You're so out of my league

I show you no emotion
Don't let you see what you're doing to me
I'd imagine the two of us together
But I've been living in reality

Fear of rejection kept my love inside
But time is running out
So damn my foolish pride

I don't care if you think I'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losing you - you can't lose what you never had
Now, I'm gonna confess that I love you
I been keepin' it inside, feeling I could die
Now, if you turn away, baby, that's okay
At least we'll have a moment before you say goodbye
You can't lose what you never had

Rules are made for breakin'
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
I'll be no worse off than I am right now
And I might never get the chance again

Fear of rejection kept my love inside
I told my heart I didn't want you but I lied

I don't care if you think I'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losin' you - you can't lose what you never had
Now, I'm gonna confess that I love you
I been keepin' it inside, feelin' I could die
Now, if you turn away, baby, that's okay
At least we'll have a moment before you say goodbye

Here on the outside, looking in
Don't wanna stay dreaming about what could have been
Need to hear you speak my name
Even if you shoot me down in flames

I don't care if you think I'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losing you - you can't lose what you never had
Now, I'm gonna confess that I love you
I been keepin' it inside, feeling I could die
Now, if you turn away, baby, that's okay
At least we'll have a moment before you say goodbye
You can't lose what you never had

I think problem is when the reason you don't tell isn't the fear of rejection but something much more complicated. Now, seriously, I HAVE to stop being such a sucker for the soppy stuff. blush

en ying snapped a shot of life @ 01:50 am
[6 photographs developed.]

Tuesday, 18th January '05

Precious Moments

now playing: Billy Gilman's "Angels We Have Heard On High"

Sometimes I really do believe that some people are put on Earth to do good things for other people. Maybe they don't realise how powerful their effect on others can be - and it really doesn't matter whether they wanted to be good or not... the nice thing about that thought is that you'll never really know if you're one of those people... and when you might just chance upon one of those special people who brighten up your day for no apparent reason. You don't have to know the person to do something so special that you might make them happy, you don't even have to be on the same continent.

Here's my list of the little angels I've seen around town the past couple of months:

I never really thanked Liang for the yummy yummy muffins just a few days before the Property paper. I guess they took the edge of the mounting stress levels.

Billy Gilman is an absolute ANGEL in every sense of the word. His "Classic Christmas" album really melts the heart and his voice is AMAZING... if you've seen his "Warm and Fuzzy" MTV you'll know what I mean. A little kid of about 10 in a tuxedo who oozes such adult yet innocent charm, and he emotes each song in such a sensitive and mature way ("New Kid In Town" is an example where he sings about the nativity and you really do feel like he appreciates the meaning and the significance of Jesus' birth). I might just fall in love with him if it weren't against the law. And when he sings "Angels We Have Heard On High", it's awesome. He's a one-man Vienna Boys Choir, and you have to smile when he sings.

There's this customer service officer at Comfort Driving Centre at Ubi. She's another one who really looks like an angel... cute little Taiwanese-girl look... a voice that sounds like tinkling bells... she switches incredibly easily from speaking English to me to teaching her understudy in Mandarin, and then natters away in Hokkien to one of the driving instructors. And when she grins at you to tell you it's ok, she'll book your test date at a better slot and take the money from your account, you don't have to wait around all day, you'll just want to give her a hug.

There was this old grumpy Eurasion uncle on the MRT, and a middle-aged lady stood up to offer him her seat. He gruffly rejected the offer. But somewhere past the next station, he started to soften. He got a phone call and he picked up and spoke to someone on the other line... the conversation drifited to how angry he had been the whole of that day and how he suddenly felt so much better. He later walked over to the lady who had offered him the seat in the first place and thanked her for making his day so much better, and how she had restored his faith that there were still caring people around.

The best part is, you can always be sure that when you're down, you'll meet someone who'll make you feel better - you just have to wait and watch out for the little angels God put around for us to find. Sometimes He really does work in mysterious ways.

en ying snapped a shot of life @ 03:23 pm
[1 photograph developed.]

Friday, 14th January '05

Two Emails

I hate the life altering prospect of emails. I got two in the past couple of days.

First email was all good. I was so happy it had me singing the whole damn day. A ridiculous song like YMCA by the Village People, no less.

The second started out harmless enough. The middle of it numbed me, and I think by the end of it I was convinced that I was going to wind up shedding tears and feeling stupid and desperate about the same stupid situation that got me into quite a bit of trouble about three years ago. Three bloody years, you'd think someone as stable and capable as I like to think I am would have had that all resolved quickly and painlessly. For as good as I am about saying stuff to other people and knowing what the hell is going on my head, I haven't a clue as to how to handle things that upset my heart this much.

It sucks, really, because just a day ago that first email had convinced me I was going to be in a state of boundless euphoria for the next year or so. Argh, in fact a bloody MSN conversation a couple of months back had me in a similar state of high feeling.

Now it's just high drama, and you could probably write more episodes to my never-ending personal soap opera about all this.

The Backstreet Boys have this one song I used to find ridiculously boring. And it played right after I finished reading the second email. The rather soppy sadness of the song plus the email was just too much - let's have some sample lines:

"What can I do to make you mine
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

Everything's changed, you never knew
How did I fall in love with you?"

Love songs don't ever make me cry, you know. Most times I think they're just written by people who can't get their acts together, but today I was feeling exceedingly generous to anyone in any degree of misery.

So here I am thinking that this time I actually had a choice, and despite my general unscrupulousness relating to these matters, I actually thought I should hold back and be a good person for once. Do everything in a guilt-free way, that way once I got it settled, it would be settled PROPERLY.

Well guess what, I fucked it up again. Or maybe it just fucked itself up, I can't see that I did anything wrong.

I never use the word "fuck" of my own accord, you know. Most times I think it's a word that people with poor vocabularies use when they simply can't find a way to describe their emotions to the degree they want. Today, I guess, it seems about right to suggest the intensity of the thoughts running though my head.

The bottomline is, the second email was perilously close to inciting me to go out and kill and torture something to satisfy the frustration that it caused to well up in me. I was, hell, I AM, so frustrated right now it physically hurts.

So now I have a choice, either I sacrifice every shred of dignity and DO SOMETHING about this current state of rage, or I sit here and blog and go back to pumelling my sorry little pillow, which I know has done nothing more than offer to accompany through the long, sleepless night I know there is to come.

I don't angry blog in this way much, and frankly I'm not sure I know who I'm angry at. The emailer? Me? The Subject of the email? The social norms which prevent me from fixing this mess? WHAT?

This isn't even part of the general quarterlifecrisis; it's much more specific than that.

I know if you've read this far, you care, but I'm really not in a mood to talk about it all right now. So unless you're a Smub girl or Qionghui, I love you very much, but don't ask me what's wrong right now. Tzo, I'd love to talk to you, but I'm not feeling rational enough. Qiong, please don't call me, I'll talk to you online... don't want you to waste money and I'm not good with phones.

And in anycase, I've blown off a good load of narcissistic steam and at least to the outside world, I'm going to be ok again in about ten minutes.

Thank God for half decent acting skills.

en ying snapped a shot of life @ 09:01 pm
[9 photographs developed.]